Me and God

Me and God

Several months ago, I set a very decided intention to know God intimately. I wanted to understand God and have a deep, lasting and profound relationship with Him. I wanted to go beyond the intellectualization of “God is everything” and connect with Him in a real way, a tangible experience beyond concepts and teachings. I wanted to embody our Love for one another consciously. I wanted to feel Him, really feel Him within me and in everything I think and do. Within this longing and desire, I began a journey to God with absolute intention and vulnerability.

Intellectually, I know God resides within my heart and so I started there. I figured, if I begin within myself everything will become clearer to me in relation to God as I look outward and experience life. Makes sense to me and feels more personal than developing a relationship with God via something outside myself. Each time I feel moved to deeply and intentionally connect with God, I meditate. I think of meditation as my school for uncovering and understanding everything spiritual and practical.  And I know how to do this very well. I show up raw and innocent within my heart, for I intellectually know He is there. I shut out the outside world and wait. I sit quietly and feel. Focusing only on the heart space within my chest, I go silent.

I notice there are two primary reasons I go to Him. The first is when I am in deep gratitude, reverence and adoration for His presence in my life. I pray and speak to Him as though I am sharing with a trusted friend. I pour out my love for Him and I know He hears me. I let Him know that I am grateful for His presence in my life and I let Him know that I am receiving His love. I thank Him and offer anything that comes to mind to share. I allow the moment to freely flow without editing or self-judgment, without question or concern. I simply let my heart speak to God in a very deep and profound way. And it feels good. Really good. I sit comfortably and often light a candle and play soft, gentle music. There is no protocol. It is my time with the Divine Father and I feel so wonderful and so lifted and held during our time that nothing in life matters except my connection to Him, my work for Him, and the experience of my entire being in that moment. I am nourished at the deepest levels of my existence and am fulfilled. He is there.

As I reach out to God with my adoration and openness, I begin to feel an energy draw close to me and my awareness of this energy grows the longer I sit in this quiet space. I can feel my body vibrate and I feel gentle waves of energy flow through me and as they do, I feel the love of God through every cell of my body. Many times, I have strong emotion. I weep, for in this alignment and connection I feel home. I enter and reside in a place that seems familiar and yet unfamiliar here on earth - at least not until this connection comes. I wish this remained all the time but it doesn’t. As soon as I drop out of the communion and am back in day-to-day life, it’s gone.

Sometimes, in my communion with God, I write poetic thoughts and feelings for they arrive spontaneously. As each word is written, I allow myself to give myself to Him through the words. I become the words spoken from a deep place within my heart and as I share, the connection deepens. I hold the space and the experience until it is over, never forced to come or to end. I simply allow it to unfold in its wonderment and magnificence. Other times, I sit quietly and not a word is thought or spoken. I am just there, quiet, completely quiet doing nothing other than focusing within. Our communication is there but no words are spoken. It’s a profound alignment and if I attempt to speak it becomes an irritation as though the thoughts are not necessary in order for us to know exactly what is being said to one another. I am growing to love this way of US because it feels more pure and close. At least that is how I am feeling right now.

The other time I reach out for God is when I am troubled. There are times in all our lives when we do not understand what is happening in our life or why the events or circumstance present themselves. It is in these moments that I need God the most and I seek Him for guidance, clarity and answers. God knows every aspect of me and He knows what lessons I need to learn and how the learning will come about. And so, I begin my asking with my connecting in love and gratitude for Him as I do when praising Him. And as I reach out to God in quiet and stillness, I know He hears me. I begin by telling Him that I need his help. I let Him know I am hurting and I am confused and need His help. I ask Him to help me. I ask Him to show me the answers I need. I tell Him about the situation that I am in and I ask Him to help me understand what I need to see in myself from the situation that has arisen in my life. I talk to God in great detail about what I am feeling and I leave nothing out. I bare it all - every thought and every emotion. I never, ever filter it or deny what I am feeling or thinking – no matter how ugly or wacky it might be. I dig deep and I let it out without judgment or editing. I speak and I cry and I speak some more. I let Him know that I know He hears me and I ask Him to bring me clarity. I ask Him to help me see what I need to see. I also let Him know that I trust His guidance for my life, even when I do not understand why something is occurring. I let God know I trust Him. I ask him to help me walk through what I must walk through for I know with Him I am supported. When I am complete in sharing and asking, I let it go and I wait for answers to come. They always do.

Sometimes within a day or less answers come to me. They may be in the way of thoughts that occur to me or when I am journaling. Usually the answers come through deep feelings I have within me about the situation. Often, the feeling begins to be identified with a specific emotion like hatred, jealousy, self-worth, feeling unheard, unsupported, rejected, self-hatred or judgment. Also, I will begin to have a different perspective about the situation or an aspect of my personality needing refinement will begin to come to my awareness. I am suddenly realizing and admitting to myself that I am a certain way, controlling or arrogant, for example. And as the shadow aspect of my personality begins to surface in my awareness, the feeling and early life experience with another person comes to mind. It may be a memory that floats in regarding one or both parents, or another person. Something one or the other said to me, did to me or did not do with me. The event seems to float into my awareness as though it was beckoned forth from my unconscious mind to be seen and heard and healed. Then, I find so much emotion flooding my very being, sometimes with physical pain. I let it flow. And as the memory and the pain of the memory flows forth, I begin to feel the release of it. I begin to feel the freedom from the letting go. The freedom from an event that was buried deep within me and yet still very much alive. As all this is occurring, I feel the energy of the Father flowing through me, again and again. Washing away what once was, and replacing the pain with a nurturing embrace of love and compassion.

I find myself home again in a state of peace, having passed through a layer of buried memory that has now been lifted from my unconscious mind to be seen, loved and healed. It’s profoundly impacting and provides deep understanding as to why I am the way I am. I am always grateful for the experience and I thank my Creator for His support.  With each of these processes, I find that I am freer and more receptive to life. I understand the meaning of love a little bit more and I feel love a whole lot more.